Hello everyone, I hope this finds you well…
Last night was the first night I have spent alone since I was pregnant. It was one of the hardest nights in my life. See, since she was born, I have had my daughter by my side.. and the times where she was off with family, I have had my husband.. well ex now. So to say the least, it was a long, lonely.. thought filled night.
It took me over 2 hours to fall asleep… and I only slept for about 5 hours. I tried to go back, but alas I could not. Thoughts flood my head like a leaky bathroom faucet.. drip drip… in comes another. Sometimes I don’t know whether I am coming or going…
Part of me wants to move on… the other still hanging on to dying dreams and feelings of what if… did I try hard enough? Did I try to make it work long enough? Is there more I can to to keep my family together?
All these questions crash upon me like tidal waves…
On the other hand, I sometimes feel like I am wore down, tired and so hurt. I want respect and a mutual relationship. Someone who sees things as they are, not as they can be. I want kind words and soft looks. I want to feel as if I am the only woman alive, and that I’m worth all the trouble and tribulations we need to endure. I don’t want to feel as if I need to hang the world’s worries on my shoulders, the stresses of marriage on my arms, and the baggage of leaving myself far behind in the meanwhile, wrapped around my wrists… as constant reminders of… is it all worth it?
I soon forget all the pain and the disappointment when I think about what the future once held for me. Can it still hold that? Or do I just need to stop dreaming the same dreams? How do I draw the line between comfort, familiarity, hope, love, and grief?
I truly believe I am grieving and morning as if I have lost a family member, a loved one, a friend. I have haven’t I?
Six years of memories and dreams. Moments that I thought would never end… ideas of what the future was going to be like… now, it’s all just a matter of prospective in which I flip flop back and forth like a wet noodle… I wanted so bad to keep my family together, still want at times. No one ever wants a broken family. Trust me, I know what that’s like and I wanted to avoid it at all costs… and I guess until now I have.
The cost of our friendship, our marriage, our credit, our personal identities, moving every year for the last 5 years… Living week to week… so much stress we have put on ourselves.. we barely stood a chance at times. But again, I think of… wanting a partner that can work through anything that gets thrown our way… and we come out better on the other end. Jordan and I definitely worked through everything we encountered… but slowly it ran us down, to the point where I think we forgot where we were headed, and why we were headed there.
At this point I know that I need time… time to figure out my head, my heart.
Am I second guessing? Am I wanting something new? Am I wanting my family back? Am I wanting a new start?
How I wish is was all clear… but, nothing simple is ever worth it. So here I wait, think, drown in my thoughts, my feelings.. though I am unaware of just what all the tears really mean… the loss of appetite, sleep, ambition, motivation…
Is it grief? Loss? Wanting it back? Needing to admit its time to move on even though I love him?
Breaking something off when I still love him is new to me… it’s always been, they break up with me, or I break up with them because I don’t feel anything anymore… this time, it’s completely new, and I am thrown through loops.
Don’t get me wrong, a part of me will always love him and have a special place within my memories and heart. We share a daughter and six years of life. Nothing can erase that or change it.
Is it time to move on? New beginnings? Is he waking up and finally realizing what is happening? Does he want it back? Do I? I feel like screaming. New dreams swirl around in my head… clouded by old ones I’m not ready to let go of because I don’t know if they are dead yet… how will I know when and if they are?
There are so many possibilities ahead of me… and I stand here frozen. Timid, unsure, and hoping that with a little time, it will all be clear to me.
No idea what direction I need to go in to get where is best for me… and I hate that feeling.
p.s. It’s really getting to me that I can’t write a damn thing in my books… this is the first time I have been productive and structured… if you can really call this structured, good thing it’s a blog. UGH.
